How to handle difficult conversations: try COIN (4 min)
This article is part of Dare Be's Leadership Handbook, a guide to help people lead with impact and heart
What would your work life look like if you dared to have all the necessary but difficult conversations? And if these exchanges resulted in people changing their behaviours and putting more trust in others? You’d feel more at peace, more confident, and more effective at your job.
Having tough discussions is a recurring topic in my coaching practice. You may be a CEO wanting to correct a board member’s aggressive behaviour, or you may be a Chief Technology Officer wishing that the Chief Revenue Officer stopped over-promising new features to clients.
To fix this, all it takes is the simple COIN model. Before we get to that, let’s take a look at why confrontation is so tricky.
Having difficult conversations is scary
Because it’s easier to avoid them. Most people I coach see the limited upsides (unlikely change of behaviour) and lots of downsides (hurting people or the relationship).
Here’s an example of when I made that exact mistake:
While working in Singapore, I hired Peter. Peter was smart, ambitious, and had a vast network — but he was not performing to the level I expected in certain areas.
I did not know how to have this conversation and endlessly postponed telling him about the issue. This lasted for 9 months, until I finally decided to terminate Peter’s employment.
To this day, I regret not telling Peter earlier about the issue, giving him a chance to course-correct and, in case he could not, giving the business more time to hire the right person.
It was my failure, not Peter’s, because I was scared of having the difficult conversation with him. From then on, I decided to always confront similar situations early on.
Superficial harmony has significant hidden costs
You may think you’re keeping the peace by avoiding difficult conversations, but in reality you expose yourself to the following problems:
Issues go unresolved, which only makes ongoing business or relationship problems worse.
You may be depriving yourself and the other person from a growth opportunity.
If the issue is important to you, you will start resenting the other person, which will inevitably show up in your behaviour toward them.
As a result of your behaviour, misunderstandings may arise and lead to conflict.
The other party may lose trust, feeling that you are not being honest or transparent.
Over time, these costs can become a heavy burden to a relationship, team, and organisation. When you keep the peace at all costs, it’s worse for everyone involved.
Now, let’s take a look at how to fix that.
What is the COIN model?
The COIN model is a powerful tool that makes it easier and more effective to have difficult conversations.
I once bet a bottle of wine to one of my trainees that she would be able to change a team member’s behaviour using this model. She took the bet but was very uncomfortable at the idea of addressing his chronic lateness to meetings.
She lost the bet but won a better working relationship.
Here’s what COIN stands for:
Context: Explain to the other person that you would like to have a conversation about a specific situation or behaviour.
Observations: State the indisputable facts about the topic. It should be impersonal, based on what you saw and heard, and preferably what the other person also saw and heard.
Impact: Start with the impact on yourself. How did the behaviour of the other person make you feel? This is the most important and powerful step in this process, and the most difficult one. Talk about yourself, and take ownership, using “I” and avoiding “you.” Then share the actual or potential impact on the team and business.
Next steps: You have two choices here: 1) either make a specific request about a future change of behaviour or 2) open up the conversation by asking what the other person thinks about what you said. That’s when the great conversation begins.
An example of the COIN model
Here’s how the COIN model can address conflict before it becomes a larger issue.
Imagine Jane is a Chief Product Officer frustrated with Adam, the Chief Revenue Officer, because he consistently over-promises new features to clients.
At the last Executive Committee, Adam mentioned clients were disappointed that a much-awaited feature was still not delivered.
After the meeting, Jane decides to address the issue directly with Adam.
Here’s what she says:
Context: “Adam, I would like to debrief on the conversation we had at the last ExCo about the new features.”
Observations: “You mentioned that clients were disappointed that the feature was delayed. However in the previous ExCo I stated that its delivery had significant risks and that we should not promise a fixed date to clients yet.”
Impact: “I was upset about your comment in the last ExCo. I was also confused, because I wondered if I had not been clear. Also, this has a negative impact on our clients’ confidence in our ability to deliver as per our promises. It also puts the development team under too much pressure, which usually leads to poorer execution.”
Next steps: “Could you and your team always double check with me before promising a feature to clients?”
It takes less than a minute for Jane to say this to Adam, and he now has a clear understanding of what the issue is and how to resolve it going forward.
Following these steps will almost always lead to a great conversation, a better relationship, and a co-created solution.
What happens if the other person does not change behaviour after the first COIN conversation? Use the COIN model again, with the observation being that you already had a conversation on the topic and you don’t see a change.
Best practices when using the COIN model
There are a few points you should keep in mind when implementing the COIN model:
Follow the 5:1 rule
Studies have shown that this is the magic ratio between positive and negative interactions for a successful relationship. Give 5 positive recognitions (using COIN) for each “negative” COIN.
Prepare ahead of time
Write your thoughts down and rehearse them. It will help you to clarify your thoughts and to have a clearer message when delivering them.
Choose the right environment
Have these conversations in a space that will feel safe to the other person, probably not your office! You could take a walk, have a video call, or pick a different spot in the building.
Ditch the sandwich model
Some feedback experts recommend that you start with a positive, follow with the negative (your true message), and finish with a positive - a feedback sandwich. This only dilutes your key message.
Time to give it a try!
Get comfortable with COIN by using it in a low-stakes situation, like a small disagreement or with someone you feel very comfortable with.
As you get more and more used to it, use it when you feel strongly about someone who you wish had behaved differently.
Keep in mind that the COIN model doesn’t apply to every situation. In some cases, such as when the other person is expressing (directly or indirectly) some frustration about something you have done, it’s time to make the other person feel heard.
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